It’s time for me to be honest about a couple of things. My friend and adopted brqother Peter showed me that you can actually write about some of the things that are way down deep in your soul without completely destroying yourself. So here goes.
I am totally frustrated and deeply afraid. I’m frustrated by the fact that my recovery progress is so slow as to be unnoticeable sometimes. I’m also frustrated because I believe (I think) that unless I do my exercises, my progress will continue to be slow.
What frightens me is more fundamental. I am afraid that no matter what I do, I will never get any better. At first, I thought I had reached a plateau, much like those of us who work at weight loss experience. When the plateau-ing (word creation?) occurs in weight loss, many of us become completely discouraged and many will quit whatever program they are following. Others persevere and eventually start losing again.
Trouble is, this is my life and I can’t quit it. I even doubt that this is merely a plateau. My happiness depends on my being able to do more than I can do now. When I thought I had reached a plateau, I guess I believed that if I got back to my exercises and did them seriously, I would eventually move forward again. Now that I feel that this is not a plateau but the end, the best it’s going to get, I’m terrified. I would have to reconfigure my life and find new ways to do things and to be me. That is truly frightening! I know I haven’t conveyed the depth of the fear and the impact of my fears very well. These are not the kinds of things I usually share.
More frightening for me, however, is the nagging thought that it — the whole hospital thing — will happen again, only this time, the outcome would not be as good. I really don’t want to go there right now. I don’t want to actually confront this thought yet. So I won’t. When I allow it to penetrate my consciousness during the day, it also infects my dreams. That means my sleep is even less refreshing and the almost crippling fatigue that characterizes most of my days gets even worse. Then I’m too tired to even contemplate exercises and the cycle continues.
Please continue to pray (if you do that sort of things), send positive thoughts and encouraging words. If we see one another, a hug would help, but until then, send electronic ones.