dear diary

I am in a deep funk and have been for a few days. Not exactly sure what’s happening, other than the stresses involved in waiting for Doug’s cardiologist to call and in feeling like there are things to do that i have not yet done. And of course, the biggie that I haven’t even told you about. But then, you know all, don’t you. You know what seems to be tormenting me right now. Then there’s my sore neck. Oh well.
More later.
So it’s later and the funk is still with me. I had a visit with another of the young folks from church this morning and I wonder now how I ever thought I could be of any use with these kids. They are wonderful and delightful and some of them are totally screwed up. They look on me as some sort of benign grandparent, trying very hard not to disappointment me when I really want is for them to be honest with me. I make slow progress.
Nearly 5:30 and no call from the cardiologist. I would be jumping up and down and likely would have called him by now, but Doug is patiently (?) waiting. Tomorrow, we call.
Did I tell you I was unwilling to confront my own demons at the moment? I guess I must have. The turmoil is still going on in my head, but I am not yet willing to write any of it down. Whether it is for fear of ridicule when others read it, or for fear of my own reaction to reading it, I don’t know. Please, don’t think I am grappling with deep dark secrets of my checkered past. It’s nothing like that, honest. It’s simply a part of growing older and trying to come to grips with some very real fears that plague me.
I’m tired now. I don’t want to write any more today. By the way, after losing my battle with church goodies last night, I have had a good diet day. For a change.
Love, gail

2 thoughts on “dear diary

  1. Write it down but don’t share it. I find that just making the effort to put it into words helps me to understand. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we believe we are afraid of….and upon analysis it is something else entirely. Sometimes the real fear can even be quite benign.

  2. Peter is right. I have written stuff in my journal…not even aware of what I was writing. I’ll read it over and think “oh my was that what I was thinking??” There are many things that I have worked out through writing it down in a journal. I think it helps that no one else is going to read it.

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