I’m back but do you really want me to be here in this state of mind?

OK, so I’m back.  Maybe not a good thing this morning.  I’m in one of those moods, which is particularly annoying when I am about to teach AND when I have absolutely no idea why I am in this state of mind.  I accomplished what I needed to yesterday, and the exam is submitted.  I have a clear idea of how the last few weeks (!) of classes will run to allow me to cover everything and have some review time.  The kids in the class continue to be wonderful, for the most part.  Michael continues to support me constantly.  Doug, as always, is the reason I bother with anything, my reason for living, the love of my life.  I have everything I could possibly need (I may want more stuff, but I certainly don’t need anything).  Yes, I struggle with my diet and my attempts to exercise regularly.  Yes, I am still seeking the balance between a numb thumb and a numb mind.  Yes, I still wear a funny looking metal thing on my baby finger.  Yes, I have aches and pains.  But, my God, I am really pretty well off, no matter how you measure it.   And to top it off, the sun is shining and the nasty white and glassy stuff all over everything outside will be gone by the time I leave here this afternoon.  So why am I in a crappy mood?  Who knows?  Crappy moods happen, I guess.  I’ll go off and teach, get the adrenalin surge that provides and maybe everything will look better when I get back to this later tonight.  I think I’ll hold the post until then.

Class is done. The adrenalin is draining and so am I. Maybe I just didn’t get enough sleep. A couple of students incredibly fun this morning, which is always good therapy. Of course, I did forget one very important announcement, but what the heck. I sent them all a message to tell them. That way even those who weren’t there will get the news that they have 2 extra days to work on their assignments. I suppose I should be more sympathetic about the drop in attendance right now. It is, after all, the middle of midterms and essay deadlines. But they don’t get that when they enter the real world, their bosses might not understand if they don’t show up for work ’cause they didn’t plan well enough to meet their deadlines. Right now, my thumb has gone beyond numb to pain, so I have to stop doing this.
It’s evening now. I’m home and had two meals made for me by my Doug. Had a nap, did a few household things like pay bills, and now I’m sitting here playing with my tablet and finishing up this post. One thing I have realized from today. I will always have days with inexplicable bad moods. I will always some annoying physical stuff going on. I think eventually I can learn to deal with those things without resorting to “being sick” in order to get over whatever I seem to need to get over. What I think I may find more difficult to handle are those things that are the normal experiences of aging. As we age, many of us do get tired more quickly, do need more sleep, do lose some visual acuity, even lose some muscle mass. The changes in mental acuity are really variable among us, but those who already suffer from some sort of physical or mental illness that has an impact on thought processes already have experienced how devastating those changes can be. I don’t want to go there, thank you, and so I suspect that much of this journey will involve coming to grips with that reality.
I have a feeling not much of this has made sense. I think I’ve been rambling for a long time, long enough to set my thumb to zinging with electric-shock like sensation and pain. So goodnight my friends. Be well.

6 thoughts on “I’m back but do you really want me to be here in this state of mind?

  1. Oh but it all makes perfect sense to me Gail. When one knows from an intellectual perspective that they are, relatively speaking, very well off, then it is doubly disturbing to still find ones self struggling emotionally. It is just damnably frustrating to find yourself stuck in that dark place without a good place to lay the blame. I think it’s important at that point not to take the burden of guilt upon ones self, while at the same time accepting the fact that I, and only I, can do anything to change it. And of course the solutions are different for everyone, but I believe strongly in the power of the sun! Spend as much time outside as you can muster, and of course try to be as active as you can. Good luck, but if you can’t find a way out of that hole let me know, and I’ll jump down there with you. After all, I’ve been there, and I know a way out. 🙂


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